Barbara Gardner Speaks On Conflict Resolution

Well, I was reading the brochure that y'all put out, and you have three points for me. So I'm really trying to cover the three points. And the first one being identifying the causes of anger, identify some of the defense mechanisms, and how to develop healthy forms of communication. So we're talking about conflict. Conflict is is a fact of life. Would you be comfortable? Microphone? Can you hear me? I'll just getting them. Complete, can originate from misunderstanding, a difference of opinion, or my deep convictions. But oftentimes, they stem from envy, pride, or hunger for power. No one can control another person's response to conflict. We are accountable only for how we handle it. Sadly, many people have unhealthy reactions to disagreement. So ignore the issue. We're pretending that's what I did. I ignored the issue, pretend it didn't exist and move on. So the things that I've learned the things that I've learned over a period of 30 years, and the Lord has given us a concept was our understanding, of anger and, and conflict. So there's negative responses to this story, I've never want to deal with four underlined Serena friends and didn't pay a coach, and they leave a person emotionally insecure, and unable to handle the criticism, or perfectionist. So here's the Thai fans as they can never live up to them. And neither can anybody else. Or pry, which makes it hard to some to admit that they're wrong, or to ask her to get us. So unless you respond correctly, to conflict, we limit our potential to grow, because without learning what the Lord is teaching us, also we can develop an unforgiving spirit, which can lead to bitterness, and resentment. Eventually, such an attitude can destroy relationships. There's a positive way to handle conflict, and I'm going to be teaching about that today. Luke 2334 reveals how our Savior responded when he was wrongly accused, unfairly judged, and killed for something he didn't do. When Jesus Christ, He said, Father, forgive us when they do not know what they're doing. So how do you deal with accusations and criticisms? Forgiveness is the only response that will keep you from becoming a victim. The definition of forgiveness is to pardon or to have an inclination and inclination to forgive. It's also defined as giving up resentment or the desire to punish, overlooking, or overlooking offense or camping or debt. Forgiveness is an act of goodwill, it's a decision, it's a choice, but done my game before God, and then we give up our right to hold another person accountable for the wrong thing. So it's something to think about it some forgiveness, forgiveness, and forgiveness are like drinking poison, and you learned how to do and so it's important that we learn how to deal with it properly. So angry can be caused by external things or internal things. You might be angry at a person such as a co worker or supervisor, or their bread such as a traffic jam or canceled or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Additionally, your memories from your past and traumatic, traumatic or major events, they can trigger your reactions. So anger is the emotional drive to defeat, defeat anything that we perceive as a threat. And it's what we feel towards the enemy. The natural way of responding to people when we need to defeat them. Whenever two people are angry, and we talk about them, they are safe you receive. Whenever two people are angry with each other, each one feels he's the innocent victim and the other person is the abuser. Ironically, when when we are on when I'm angry, I feel like a victim and guess what I looked like an NPM so I picked up some scriptures on how to deal with his progress 15 cents a harshit a harsh word stirs of anger. And A gentle answer is the scripture that turns away wrath. And the harsh word stirs up anger, or showing anger can be foolish. Full choses annoyance at once. For the fruit man overlooks an insult. Insult proverbs 19. And being quick temper this voice, do not be hastily upset, for anger lingers in the bottom and the wisdom of fools and on and on and on and on. So why don't we talk about this codependency that anger can can lead to, because of you, I don't feel I better identify an easy answer for codependency that would be enabling someone to continue in your bad behavior. Think about that. Or another definitely shouldn't be when you're working harder to help someone, then they're willing to help with themselves to do themselves. And I've done that a lot. I don't know about y'all. And so it really, it's unhealthy. And they will continue in their code. So some of us fall into it anger, before we even know it, we have a situation and we react before taking the time to see what's really happening. We no do not see the whole situation for what, for instance, you react without understanding issue. And often negative example of harsh words can never be taken back when they're spoken. And when we react to a situation, learn to act instead of react. And anger is generated in and around is when you react again, I think I've said that religion situations fully understood. One of the thing I dealt with in my life is perception because of my background. And perception is what I would do is when because of my background, I haven't any father. And so I learned to react in when I observed certain kinds of behavior coming back at me, at me, and one of them who's talked to me at a loud voice. I think about my father and right away, I'm defensive. But when you perceive accurate perception is something that's not true. It's what I think is happening. And nine times Alicia is not happening. Really important is to understand a situation or find out what's really going on. I know that when I married my husband, by the way, he's wonderful. And when I'm married, he had been a first sergeant in the Air Force. So he was used to speaking in the lab boy and very strong. Well, I'm I was a little at the time. And I was very previously to a soft spoken man. So he was. So when I married Roy and I did Mather in Australia. And our first date was our honeymoon, something I'll tell you about that was. But it was something I had to learn. And finally one day I said to him, because I said, Really? You look so angry. Are you angry at me? He's like, why would you do something? As I said, Because you look so stern. And he talks about greed. But see, it was preceptive because my father when he, when he taught well, I literally was angry or angry. And so right away visual CODA payment, I thought it was my fault. And so I would shrivel up, and just feel like I was nobody. And so the Lord had to deal with me about some of these issues in teaching. And since I've traveled around the world, like Fabian on all kinds of conferences and all kinds of events, and taking 10,000 courses, probably like the rest of you, maybe it came to what I discovered when I was a good codependent guess what, and also discover that never work again to teach me how to deal with conflict and how to deal with anger. And this further spread the journey of 30 years. So my job but there's something new what you have this flesh, and and the only way you can overcome your flesh is by the power of that spirit. If you were born again, Christian, God Spirit inside of you. So it's not something you have to do yourself. You don't have to, you can stop and take a minute and said you can choose to act and react. So that's what I was doing. Because immediately when when there was noise, if somebody was loud and I perceived there was a problem, shut down, my ears shut down, I shut down. And you can say anything you want to wear me and I will. Because I'm still angry. I took it inside. So there's some tools and things that I like to use these parents and beliefs that we have, but would you believe our defense mechanisms? defense mechanisms are actually effects. Bekins is something you learned as a child, it's a way that you react, you know, respond. But it happens between the ages of zero and 12. So you learn behavior patterns or your defense mechanisms happen at an early age. And so there you are in the vehicle. And what we do is we continue to use those defense mechanisms when we become a teenager. And we're doing the same thing. And when I became 20, in my 20s, I was doing the same thing in my 30s. And finally, advocate, Hey, that's not working. And that's when you should find out, you know, what, what your patterns are, and what you're doing. And invariably, my anger will lead to fear, or stress, because I really am a codependent, I was so concerned about what other people receive feeling, and how to like make them feel better, and how can I help them and you know, well, but when we control by our stress and biosphere, we're walking in the flesh and depends on this makes us more vulnerable to the possibility of attack, and increase in the likelihood of are getting into anger, and reacting sinfully. So let me teach you a little bit what strengthen quickly. Stress is when I when I try to meet my needs, through my own resources. And that's where I try trying to meet my needs to my own resource. So that mean by old stinky flesh, it's called self serving, self sufficiency, rather than rice. So I want to teach you some ways of dealing because we're talking about content in business. And so I was thinking, how can I present that in awake and give you some actual tools? Well, the first thing, I began to think of it with me, What am I hearing? You know, I remember I told you what I thought somebody was saying, I shut down and didn't hear anything. So I need to learn to hear. And we need people to hear us to say that again. We need to learn to hear what's going on. But we need people to hear us to imagine this feedback from someone wanting to be heard. You gave me advice when I asked you to hear, listen, this is not what I asked. I can get advice from the advice column in the newspaper advices cheap, but few listen, and truly hear. Or you traveled on my feelings when I asked you to listen. And they said to me, you should feel this way. I've been criticized all my life. And deep has listened to her. Hear me, when I asked her to listen, hear me not advice, criticize, or do something, just to listen to me. I feel what I feel no matter how irrational, irrational it may seem, if you listen to hear what I'm saying that we both come to an understanding of the reasons for my irrational feelings, then I can solve my own problems. Do you listen? People read your body language before they hear what you're saying. Most people are poor listeners. And then please, because they're busy trying to make their own, figure out what the answer is, or to make their own issue. In other words, I gave the talk to people. And you're trying to and you're trying to share your knowledge. And they're not hearing because they're thinking about something else. So I want to give you some tools, because you gotta have good concentration. And you need to be emotional, but you got to remember more, you have to have an open mind. We make fewer mistakes that way. And felt and if you are quiet and you live and guess what, you can see the wife. And then you need to slow the editor that means that you are a good listener. So if you want to be a good listener, and somebody who really hears what do you do when you think the first thing you stop talking show me to make me look interesting. You might make simple noises I'd love for women so many years. That was fair. You've never had to figure out whether they listen to you because they got up on the phone with someone and anytime you turn around and you say came by the veil. But if you learn to cry, we call it so if I'm talking to her, and she thinks she's telling me and she knows that I'm making eye contact and I'm really Nothing. God gave men and women two years at one time, which is a gentle reminder that you should live for more than you think. It's always a good idea to find a way with shares with the person. And one of the ways you can do that is ask them. What is it you really saying? Please share with me what it is you're really saying? Because a lot of times what we're saying, is that really what you need, because we're so busy perceiving, and we need to learn how to share. And then we all have defense mechanisms. Oh, my goodness, a defense metric mechanism is an unconscious tendency to keep away on on pleasant feelings or events, or memories. That's an attitude or behavior we adopt in order to cope with or defend ourselves from something we deal with unpleasant. Defense maybe isn't what people use to protect themselves. So why wouldn't? So then how can we deal with anger at work in our home and our relationships or in our business? Well, the first thing is acknowledge your anger to yourself and to God. Tell God that you're angry at a situation that means you got to stop, take it in and find your relationship with the Lord. And God, what is the root of your anger? Is it because someone has stepped on my personal Lord and made me feel inadequate? Or is it that my essential needs are not being met such as love, protection, security, respect, or the thought that love was essentially this. And the third thing that makes you angry is basic conditions. If you have basic conditions of your life, and you're inflexible, and someone says something different, cheaper than react light. So we need to re choose to respond, as I said, through the power of the Holy Spirit. So our so our mentioned, our emotions mean that we're vulnerable, we need to be vulnerable, honest, humbled and without pretense. In other words, your choice you choose to give the pain or hurt and the fear get God and allow him to heal yourself. Forgiveness is a choice. Healing is a choice. Matthew 1817 talks about spirit to specific instructions about how to deal with confrontation. So what is the purpose of confrontation? Particularly Christian confrontation is designed to help us hold each other accountable. And when it's done properly, confrontation can be the bridge of restoration in the walk and a rocky relationship. Nothing is foolproof. And we cannot forget how a person will respond to our confrontation. It is our responsibility to fear to share our feelings in love and make our requests No, it is not our responsibility to worry how the other person will react, or respond. We are not blaming, we're not shifting without manipulating. Rather, we're being honest and open about the way we feel in an effort to maintain good relationships. In confrontation, it's important to focus on one issue at a time sometimes again, the confrontation, you don't just stop with one issue, this one and then you give a bad one. And then everybody gets defensive. But if you want to do Christian confrontation, then you need to be able to focus on one issue at a time and that means that you become vulnerable that you've sought the Lord. Okay, for what is the problem? Is that my problem or is that person's problem. And so it's not a time to vent your anger or disappointment. And you also should avoid negative words such as or trigger words such as who you will always or you never or you should or you love because you can have confrontations if you've done it well. And you want to be reflected. Okay, so to try it. So what we say is mainly so whenever there's a person saying now you're not accusing them, you're just talking about when you whatever it is, I feel this is when you become vulnerable. And you sit and talk about your insides you talk about your motion, and you need to say exactly how you feel you better find out how you feel and and and I wish I wish that would change. What is it you wish that would happen? Because of the internet, you can find it. Okay, so we'll select Tri County, New York. We turn to the person next to Do and just take one issue something and just say because it's practice you need to say think about something that's really bugging you pretend like it's a person you have an issue with and say the way you do it is I feel I use you know feeling words are more than just making me angry or I feel angry and you don't want to accuse your opening volume but what is it they're saying and how you really feel and what is it you really really quick are against you're listening don't care at all still talking about learning to use a new person or confronting a person if you do that, don't defend yourself or false accusations. Remember, because if they're really good to defend you say what you did was terrible thing to do that I can do here or something. I wish we had time to give them all these. But if you've got that you we could possibly hurt somebody or treat not treated. The best thing to do is apologize is nothing like an apology. So I am going to pass out dialectical a form and take it home being honest with yourself and it's about anger and you can see what you will learn a lot of anger is inside is reached. And if you think you might give us a call. We'll give you an opportunity